Keeps Me Up At Night
(Miami) In an unexpected move this week, Florida’s manatees announced their support of the far-left revolutionary group TPP.
From their field office just outside Zoo Miami, spokesman “Fred the Manatee” told an excited crowd Continue reading “MANATEES ADVOCATE FAIRNESS”
Dear Mister Blog Person,
It’s come to my attention there’s been a notable lack of activity on this blog the past few weeks.
Although we’ve had our differences in the past, I, for one, would like to congratulate you on showing respect and restraint to us manatees by not recently directing harsh accusations and unfairnesses toward us, as you have Continue reading “Not Too Big of a Manatee”
(MIAMI) Florida’s uppity manatee population may face deportation under a new effort by the Trump administration.
The popular “sea cows” are gearing up to take the case to court, while a local faction is considering migrating to Mexico … and a longer-term mission to Mars!
U.S. President Donald Trump hastily signed an executive order this week Continue reading “MANATEES FACE EVICTION”
Amid controversy over habitat, community standing, and even ethical posture, Florida’s manatees are suing billionare Elon Musk, and say they feel slighted by Musk’s latest adventures in space. A spokesman for a popular herd told the Associated Press in a prepared statement he was “shocked and offended” that people “care more about a little red sports car than manatees.”
The spokesman, who goes by just “Fred,” appealed to Musk, saying “if you can put a car in a rocket, you can put a manatee in one.” The lawsuit is based on Fred’s claim Continue reading “MANATEES SUE MUSK”
Dear Blog Owner,
As a courtesy to you, I’m sending you this copy of a letter I recently sent to Sesame Street:
“While we understand the snuffleupagus character was probably intended to cast an inspiring educational light on our magnificent species, and continue to encourage the industry to make more movies with manatees in them, we feel offended by endless stereotyping of manatees as stupid or comparing us to the much different and less intelligent snuffleupagus. Continue reading “MANATEES SUE SESAME STREET”
Dear Fred The Manatee,
You lazy bastard.
You don’t know what I like! I’m a big fan of manatees; I just don’t like you! You can punch me in the nose any time; it would be funny. I could move my nose easily before you ever reached it.
Ever since the TV documentary, you manatees have done Continue reading “DEBATE RAGES OVER MANATEE FATE”
Dear Blog Owner,
It has come to our attention you’re considering naming your band “Manatee Revolution,” which we manatees find offensive, and vow to do things to stop. Manatees are tired of being objectified and having our charm and looks used commercially without our consent.
We also wanted to tell you we formed a committee to organize a fact finding mission to Cancun. Continue reading “MANATEES THREATEN IPR CASE”
Dear Fred The Manatee,
Thank you for contacting me.
I’m sorry you thought I was being harsh. I’m not sure I agree, but it’s becoming more important to me every day to consider your case a priority because it’s the kind of news people care about.
Even though you’re just an underwater snuffleupagus nobody asked to swim around everywhere really slowly, I respect your right to equal access to warmer water, Continue reading “BLOG OWNER RESPONDS TO SENSITIVE MANATEE ISSUE”
Hello. My name is Fred, and I’m a manatee. I’m writing because I was offended by the tone of the previous article on this blog, titled “Press Release About Manatees.”
The author even admits he doesn’t know anything about manatees, and it’s not really a press release. We manatees don’t like it when humans act in a distrespectful manner toward us, and demand an apology. We also have a short list. Continue reading “FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: MANATEES DEMAND APOLOGY”
The manatee is in danger. We must help!
The manatee is a fat, lazy animal that flops around a little, living just “on the edge of existence,” according to “Forces of Nature,” a documentary airing on WSBE TV.
The narrator explained, while I painfully watched footage of manatees floating lazily around some food-type plants but making no effort to eat, Continue reading “PRESS RELEASE ABOUT MANATEES”