Journalism: The New Pandemic

A good friend of mine is very sick.

His name is Journalism.

He has a bug. I don’t know where it came from, some people say China.

It’s terrifying.

Normally, my friend Journalism keeps me informed about important things, but since he got sick (I think it’s a pandemic), he’s been leaving out important facts and taking sides. He doesn’t seem to have loyalty to anyone; he’s been picking on Democrats, but just last month he was saying glowing, happy stuff about them. He’s like a bad ventriloquist, always talking out of the side of his mouth, claiming he didn’t say things, blaming other people and changing things around backwards! He expects me to believe he isn’t sick, and everyone else is!

My friend Journalism has this big story going about some mysterious virus everyone ELSE has, but he won’t budge on his own problem; doesn’t acknowledge it at all. When I ask him about it, he claims the hospital is full, as if he knows he has a problem, but he doesn’t want professional help.

He used to tell me where the fun parties all are. Now, nothing. Even though I know there are parties. Especially in California, because I saw the Governor at one, a big, expensive one.

And this party in China looks amazing!

That’s in Wuhan, China. The article tells us “Today, it appears that life has edged back to normal in Wuhan. The images of partygoers attending the HOHA Water Electrical Musical Festival over the weekend have only proved this point. Organizers even offered female tourists tickets at half price in a bid to attract more visitors.”

Everybody there is healthy, as you can see! But I had to go to the BBC to hear about it, because my friend, Journalism, has NO IDEA! He thinks the world is going to end and there aren’t any more parties! The only interesting video he’s shown me all week is this one from YouTube:

I know, it’s not really news. But at least it’s true! People are really, truly, doing fake stuff and pretending to be nice, generous, decent, hardworking, unique and interesting individuals, through camera tricks. Fun! Journalism loved it! The narrator calls them “jelly-spined frauds,” and “fruitcakes!” Interesting, international, edgy and appropriately analytical.

But I’m still worried about my friend. No matter where he is in the world, what he’s talking about or what’s going on all around him, he seems oblivious, always repeating the same narrative. He’s very sick. He’s lately become obsessed with telling other people to wear masks because he’s afraid they’re going to get sick. It’s like his sickness needs virtue, like it’s his job to help people, but he’s utterly incapable of thinking for himself.

When I listen to my friend, Journalism, it’s a problem; he just won’t stop! But his sickness isn’t a new thing, and it was spreading in China, where they apparently went around arresting everybody called “Journalist,” made them all stop talking crazy, and the whole illness just went away.

Twitter associate Aric Chen, working at Epoch Times hasn’t caught the bug, which infiltrated all the big networks, including ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, CNN … The New York Times … and some people at Facebook and Twitter were sick, spouting nonsense, censoring stuff and taking sides. The illness hit the aged media population the hardest, while younger media outlets like OAN or Epoch are still healthy. The disease has been difficult to contain because its symptoms include vehemently denying you have it, insulting strangers and sometimes refusing to answer questions and hiding.

Those suffering from this illness need to be quarantined, like in China. Put them all in a medical wagon; truck them off somewhere, to fix them. The American spirit is at risk, because the sickness essentially turns its victims into lazy, lying bastards overnight, and they’ll try to reel you in, claiming you’re the one who’s sick, not them, while they lie to you, telling you everyone is dangerous and you shouldn’t get too close to anyone, ruining the nightlife and causing everyone to look at each other funny.

We might have to lock them up.

Not that I’m in favor of randomly locking people up, but it works in China, and I hear people these days speak fondly of China. Maybe they’ll understand, when we pull up in our white van.

I just want my friend to be better.

The whole world is wrong when he’s not right.


Mark Urso

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