Googlevertising and Aliens; How to Take Over The Universe in Seven Easy Steps

Seven Easy Steps

Google has me thinking about advertising. They call it that, but I’m going to call it “Googlevertising.” Googlevertising includes more than just advertising, and brings all new rules to the table!

First: To Googlevertise, you must come up with a new way to do something. Upon thinking one of these up, you must then give it away for free to millions of people, creating a community. In normal advertising, these would be your potential customers, but in Googlevertising, you no longer need the entire person, nor do you need the person to do very much (at first); all you’re going to use is the eyeballs. Google calls this a “community of eyeballs.” These eyeballs, you’ll see, will make you money.

Build websites that provide things to your community for free.

Many creatures have eyeballs. Here’s a dragon.

Second: Do nothing else.
Never ask your customers for money; you no longer treat them as customers; they are eyeballs. Be sure not to get involved in retail sales or anything brick and mortar.

Feel free to create your own map of the entire world, because soon, your community will be anxious to do SOMETHING for all the free email and music they’ve been getting. They will draw complex buildings to help make your map 3-D.

garbage can
Garbage can (courtesy of Google Images)

Third: Take every rule you know about sales, marketing, advertising and retail and toss it confidently in the nearest garbage can.

Fourth: Continue to do nothing else but provide value for free.

Fifth: Reveal to the curious business world that you use “advertising” to make all your money. By now you should be one of the biggest, richest companies ever in the world. Never reveal the secret concept of “Googlevertising,” or mention it outside the office. Call it “advertising.” People will be impressed and forget about it, thinking it’s the same thing they already know about.

Sixth: Continue to get bigger effortlessly. Create your own Earth-wide system of justice, and, using the local currency, allow any and all members of your community to participate in activities on your web properties that can make THEM money! This will create a great sense, along with your giving them free music and videos, of benevolence. Carefully throttle this back using a technical “Googlevertising” concept so as to keep most of the money yourself. Tell the small guys they can’t participate because of “Invalid Click Activity,” which happened in Pakistan or Bali.

Seventh: Continue to get bigger. Be careful to never ask your customers (eyeballs) for money. Create value invisibly. In the new “Googlevertising” world, music is free. So is video and information of any kind about anything, anywhere, instantly. Also be careful to never laugh publicly at other companies, which you still need until you buy them, and how they don’t know what they’re doing any more. During this time feel free to build a space ship.


Ask your customers what they want, then give it to them for free (simple!).

The Best Things In Life Are Free!

The Universe will be yours!

You’ll do even better if you can get them to help build the community, as if it is theirs, even though it isn’t; for example, create a new “Library of Congress,” which, though the reference is to a library in the United States, ignores all boundaries and contains things from everywhere in the Universe. Your new library will not have just books, but music, video and lots of maps. Your community will give you music and videos, and it won’t cost you anything; then just keep all the stuff and run advertisements (a part of “Googlevertising”) over the top of the videos.

Remember, speaking of Congress, there are probably very few laws to fuss with once you start thinking universally. Your community is an interwoven conglomerate of many countries with many different laws, providing you a great opportunity to make new laws, or just do justice “on the fly,” getting to know your community while letting them know who’s in charge. Be generous but smart.

It would be a good idea to have your company run by a couple of guys with Russian names. This way people will respect you for your intelligence, but not expect you to be diplomatic.

Jupiter, a planet currently up for grabs.

Once you have your 3-D map of the world in place, drawn by unpaid community members, and your lawyers have provided long and complicated agreements to protect you from too many questions, and you have a “Library of The Universe” filled with enormous amounts of user-contributed loveliness, but before your first spaceship launch, continue to develop ways to advertise on top of this content, being careful not to let too much information, or money, leak out to members of the community.

At this stage, the more control you have over the higher number of things in the Universe, the better.

Continue to call itadvertising.” By the time anyone figures out that “Googlevertising” really means “Conquest of The Universe” you will have easily founded your first planet!

Good luck!


Mark Urso

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